First off, this goes out to the Lovely Miss Katie, who complained that I haven’t been writing as much lately (sad, but true).
I had dinner with two friends Monday night. Both are women, but one difference between the two is that one is single and the other is engaged. The engaged friend was sharing with us some of the stress she’s finding herself facing — not with wedding plans, as one might imagine, but with the reality of the cost of having a family in Manhattan. She grew up here, and wants her (at this point still future) kids to have the same sort of lifestyle she had, but of course costs have skyrocketed since we grew up. She is slowly coming to the realization that raising a family in Manhattan,or even in the Westchester suburbs (where I spent my junior high and high school years) is a daunting if not impossible prospect if neither spouse is a doctor or laywer, or works at a hedge fund.
I worry about these things too, although it’s certainly not a pressing issue. I’m still more focused on dating someone who’s not a jackass, not becoming the kind of person who fades off into coupledom once they find the non-jackass, and dealing with the ever-increasing number of situations where I find that I am the only unmarried, childless person present.
We also had an interesting discussion about “chapters” in one’s life. Our engaged friend was describing how she was in the process of moving to a new chapter of her life, and how she has seen the warning signs for a while — she described how she dressed differently when she was single and stayed out until 2 am much more often than she does now. In some ways I hope that my chapters are not as clearly delineated. I always want to have a mix of people in my life; I don’t want to be the kind of person who, because I’m dating someone or someday married, ends up only doing stuff with couples, and I still want to stay out until dawn every now and again, whether with friends or with this hypothetical husband person.
I can think about this stuff forever, but given my current life situation, for me, it’s just a matter of keeping a balance that feels right for me now, and adjusting that balance as I move forward.
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one of the married junior professors in our department has been coming with a female friend to the screenings every monday night for the film class that i am teaching assistant for, as the female friend of his is a student in the class. he is married and has a new baby. i find it incredibly reassuring to see a man who has a relationship that still allows this kind of hanging-out-with-female-friends. perhaps because i am single and have mostly male friends. two of my female married friends, though, are very uncomfortable with it.
one of the married junior professors in our department has been coming with a female friend to the screenings every monday night for the film class that i am teaching assistant for, as the female friend of his is a student in the class. he is married and has a new baby. i find it incredibly reassuring to see a man who has a relationship that still allows this kind of hanging-out-with-female-friends. perhaps because i am single and have mostly male friends. two of my female married friends, though, are very uncomfortable with it.
Cynthia,
You are kidding, right? His wife has a newborn at home and he is spending one night a week with a “female friend”? Maybe you should talk to your married friends — female and male — about the strain of looking after a child alone. Look, if it makes you and your single women friends who “hang out” with married men feel better about yourselves (and then rationalize it away after you start messing around with your married companion), rock on. That’s why married men have the best of both worlds — apologists like you.
MT
Cynthia,
You are kidding, right? His wife has a newborn at home and he is spending one night a week with a “female friend”? Maybe you should talk to your married friends — female and male — about the strain of looking after a child alone. Look, if it makes you and your single women friends who “hang out” with married men feel better about yourselves (and then rationalize it away after you start messing around with your married companion), rock on. That’s why married men have the best of both worlds — apologists like you.
MT
get some facts before you launch an ad hominem attack on me for something you know very little about. and use your real name so i can attack you personally using your name as you did me. the married couple has a nanny, and she’s out at yoga while he’s at the weekly movie screenings. they’re both harvard professors for chrissakes, you’re acting like i’m talking about some 18-year-old innocent struggling to handle everyhing while her big bad oblivous husband cavorts with “female friends” (quotations YOURS–it is possible for a man and a woman to be just friends, whatever you may believe. you sound like a jealous wife.). futher, you are assuming all kinds of things about me just from the fact that i am single. i have no married male friends, though you assume i am the “type” who “hangs out” with and then “messes around” with married men. how dare you? you are also assuming i have no experience with children. again, how dare you? you claim to speak for all men, but it sounds more to me like you’re speaking for all closed-minded jealous married women.
and i’m not so closed-minded as to assume all married women are such. just ones like you.
get some facts before you launch an ad hominem attack on me for something you know very little about. and use your real name so i can attack you personally using your name as you did me. the married couple has a nanny, and she’s out at yoga while he’s at the weekly movie screenings. they’re both harvard professors for chrissakes, you’re acting like i’m talking about some 18-year-old innocent struggling to handle everyhing while her big bad oblivous husband cavorts with “female friends” (quotations YOURS–it is possible for a man and a woman to be just friends, whatever you may believe. you sound like a jealous wife.). futher, you are assuming all kinds of things about me just from the fact that i am single. i have no married male friends, though you assume i am the “type” who “hangs out” with and then “messes around” with married men. how dare you? you are also assuming i have no experience with children. again, how dare you? you claim to speak for all men, but it sounds more to me like you’re speaking for all closed-minded jealous married women.
and i’m not so closed-minded as to assume all married women are such. just ones like you.
The lady doth protests too much, methinks.
The lady doth protests too much, methinks.
You tell ’em, Cynthia!
Because, as we all know, professors NEVER have affairs with their students . . . .
You tell ’em, Cynthia!
Because, as we all know, professors NEVER have affairs with their students . . . .