Sorry about the gloom and doom around here, kids, but that's just the way things are right now. And although that's not likely to change for a while, I'll do my best to keep it off the internets, at the very least.  I generally don't get very personal on the blog, and I've been a little too close for comfort these days, so my apologies.

Here's the part where I plaster on the smile, stick affirmations on the bathroom mirror, and try not to behave like the biggest cliché known to mankind.  But first, here's more of me behaving like the biggest cliché known to mankind, and doing some positive thinking:

I still trust my instincts.  I stand up for what I want and believe, even when it is hard for me.  I have a job, which is not as common as it used to be.  One that I really like and that I worked very hard to get.  Actually two jobs I really like. I have an upcoming triathlon to train for and focus on, which will further enhance my fitness and general well being, and I will beat last year's time.  I have set large goals for myself and have achieved them.  I have biked one hundred and twenty six miles in one day.  I sang the national anthem in front of over 5000 people and didn't mess up the words (that time).  My apartment is slowly (very slowly) starting to look like a grown-up lives in it.  I'm a pretty good cook, most of the time.  I have a hot pair of leopard print shoes that never fail to get a compliment and generally perk me up when I wear them.  I also generally get compliments, often from strangers, when I sing at karaoke.  I am in good health (and I don't take that for granted these days). I am generally good at keeping people in my life and I develop strong professional relationships.  I have a supportive and loving family.  I'll be biking through Bordeaux at the end of June.  Did I mention how amazing my friends are?

That's about all I have in me at the moment.

"The two important things I learned were that you are as powerful and strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavor is taking the first step, making the first decision."  – Robyn Davidson, who traveled alone by camel across the Australian Outback.

This quote was stuck on my front door for years since I saw it, but now it lives on the bulletin board above my computer so that I see it every day.  I share it with you in the hope that you can gain some inspiration from it as well.

I am one day closer.

What you see here is not just my relatively new dining table, which is great in and of itself, but the mirror that I got as a hand-me-down from my hairdresser.  I sanded it, painted it a soft metallic-y brown (thanks for the idea, Carrie) and hung it — all by myself.  The idea is that it will reflect the little light that comes into my apartment from the windows in the bedroom.  Plus, it looks pretty cool, if I don't say so myself!

I've very deliberately left myself a lot of unscheduled free time this weekend — all the better to see what comes up.  Last night was much-needed nachos, margaritas and conversation with Jenn D. and Carrie (with a cameo appearance by Carolyn), and today so far I've been to the Greenmarket and Trader Joe's (which was mercifully empty).  Next — perhaps a little lounging in my "backyard," which is open again, and definitely a bike ride later this afternoon.  We'll see what else the day brings. 

Tomorrow's grand plan is likely more biking, or a run if my foot feels better, followed by a crawfish boil in the late afternoon.  Monday is another unplanned day.  Time to breathe, relax, and possibly nap.  If the weather's nice on Monday, perhaps a day trip to the beach?

Yesterday morning on my way to work I heard the Jude song Battered, Broken, which was then stuck in my head all day.  I've been feeling pretty battered and broken lately — for the moment, I'll focus on the physical.  I recently bought a new pair of running shoes.  For years, I've gotten whatever the New Balance stability shoe is — I think I started with the 856 for a few years, then on to the 857.  The 857 is now obsolete and somewhat challenging to find in my size.  As a result, I bought the "upgrade" replacement shoe, the 859 (I somehow missed the 858 altogether).  On my first run, they were a tad uncomfortable, but all new shoes take a few runs to break in.  I then proceeded to go a bit crazy with the running, and ran three days in a row this week, including one day that I had already taken a spin class at lunchtime.  By the last run, on Tuesday night, it felt like I had a rock under my left arch with each step.  Wednesday, my arch and my knees were a disaster.  Of course I had a session with my trainer on Wednesday, and after notifying him of my physical ailments, he proceeded to focus on arms, chest, shoulders, back, and abs.  Yesterday, my left arch was still killing me and my entire upper body was sore.  My knees were a tad better, except when going down stairs.  Thursday was a rest day.  And I'm returning those devil shoes.

As we're approaching Memorial Day weekend, I've been thinking back to 2000, when I bought my first bike (well, my first bike as an adult).  I decided that weekend that I was going to attempt to ride my bike from Boston to New York as part of the AIDS Ride.  Now, I may be a fancy-pants triathlete now, but on my first training ride, from 72nd Street and Riverside up over the George Washington Bridge and back (about 12 miles), I thought I might keel over.  Nevertheless, I went to spin classes during the week and training rides on each weekend.  In September, I completed the three day ride, and felt an enormous sense of pride and accomplishment. 

In the fundraising letter I sent out that year (the ride raised money to provide medical and other services to people with AIDS and HIV), I started off with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "Do the thing you think you cannot do."  This quote continues to inspire me, to push me beyond my limits, and has led me to do all sorts of things I initially never thought I could.  Since that ride I have ridden a bike from Montreal to Portland Maine and from New York to Washington DC.  I have completed two triathlons and am on my way to a third.  I created a job that I aspired to for years.  I sang the national anthem in front of thousands of people (and didn't forget the words).  I put on two one-woman shows, I graduated from a top five law school.  I traveled by myself.  I became a self-defense instructor.  I became a food writer.  I am proud of these things.  And whenever I have doubts, I turn to Eleanor for inspiration.

– long runs
– good conversation
– family
– friends
– having things on the calendar to look forward to
– a hot shower
– flowers
– sweat
– tears
– belly laughs
– hugs
– hearing the words "I love you."
– singing at the top of your lungs
– even more hugs